My name is Stephanie Dawn Nash. I was born in Lincoln, Nebraska on May 24, 1981. I am the oldest of three children. When my brother and I were babies, our parents got divorced.

When I was 4 or 5 years old, I heard a song that said, "Come into my heart, Lord Jesus." I knew who Jesus was, so I asked my mom, "Will Jesus come into my heart too?" Then she prayed with me and I invited Jesus into my heart.

In November of 1986, when I was 5 1/2 years old, my baby sister was born. At that time, my mother was not married to my sister's biological father. I moved many times in my life starting when I was 6 years old. On the very day of my 6th birthday, we moved 1500 miles from Nebraska to Arizona. We lived with my mom's favorite sister in Tucson. After a few months, my mom married my sister's father and we moved into a trailer house. As I was growing up, it seemed very normal that my biological father lived in a different state. My brother and I even began calling our stepfather "Daddy."

Shortly after that, my step-dad wanted to get custody of his other daughter, so we sold everything and moved to Florida to be closer to her and to the court case which ensued. I was really sad to leave Arizona. In Arizona, I'd had close friendships with my cousins and people from my church. Life was carefree and joyful at that time, but moving to Florida was really hard for me.

After almost two years in Florida, my family moved cross-country once again. When I was 9 years old, we went back to Nebraska at the beginning of December in 1990. We stayed with my mom's oldest sister in a big drafty farmhouse out in rural Nebraska. As soon as we could, we moved into an itty-bitty house in the city of Lincoln.

My mom wanted my brother and I to have an excellent education, but she did not want to send us into the sinful atmosphere of the public schools. So, I was homeschooled most of my elementary years. When we moved back to Nebraska, I felt really lonely because I had no friends. I started collecting pen pals. At one point, I consistently wrote letters to 29 international pen pals and about a dozen others. When I was around 10 years old, my mind was influenced by wicked bedtime stories I heard from my stepsister. Soon I began to entertain myself at night with lustful stories of my own.

In 1994, when I was 13 years old, I started 7th grade at Lincoln Christian School. My family could not afford the full tuition price for my two siblings and me, but God provided a way through the work-study program. We cleaned the school 2 or 3 nights a week in exchange for a tuition reduction.

During my childhood, my brother and I had mandatory visitations with my dad. When I went there, the atmosphere was very dark and heavy. My father had never remarried or had a girl friend since he divorced my mom. So when he suddenly got a girlfriend when I was in high school, I was really shocked! That wouldn't have been so bad, but once at Thanksgiving when I visited him with my brother, he took us to his new girlfriend's house. There the two of them were acting really disgusting – worse than an R-rated movie. It really hurt my brother and I. I cried for several hours when I got home.

Then in 1997, my sister's biological father, whom I considered my dad and called 'daddy' for the last 11 years, had an affair and divorced my mom. He caused my family and me a lot of suffering. The reason we had moved from Florida back to Nebraska was because he had lost his job. He had been caught embezzling. Then later on he had an affair (the woman even kept calling my house and sometimes I was the one who answered the phone.) He didn't repent, and after my mom kicked him out (before they were divorced), he kept trying to come back. Once my mom even called the police because he wouldn't leave our property. His behavior started to look really insane. It hurt me a lot to see my mom suffering and to share in her sense of betrayal.

On July 23, 1999, my mom got married to her third husband. I adjusted to having a new man in the house without difficulty because I was so involved with speech team, choir, drama, the discipling program and other projects and activities at my high school.

I really love my mom and have always respected her. She raised me well, teaching me about Jesus and training me to be a kind and thoughtful person. But I was really wounded by her and felt betrayed when she married a third time. It wasn't the fact that she got married, or even the man she married. It was just the fact that she was getting married during a time in my life when I needed her to be there for me and she wasn't. She came to me and confided her troubles in me when I just wanted her to listen to my troubles. And once when I came home from drama practice, I caught my mom and her finance, whom she met on the Internet, making out on the couch. She looked sheepish like a young girl. But I was too shocked to say anything. So I pretended nothing happened.

It was during that period that I met my first boyfriend in a Christian chat room on the Internet. He lived in California and was a seminary student about to be ordained. At first, we just talked about what we were learning from God. We even had discussions about some theological issues and I even confessed my masturbation problem to him in vague terms. Then suddenly one day he told me he 'liked' me and asked if 'I thought I could ever like him back.' I was totally shocked. No male had ever expressed romantic interest in me before and I had never experienced any kind of 'crush' on a guy. I was mortified because I did not know what to do. But I was really enamored of the idea of being in love. In few days later this idea matured and I came to the false conclusion that I not only 'liked' him, but I even loved him. We talked online more and more and eventually we talked on the phone. We discussed all kinds of things. Suddenly one night, he told me on the phone to take my clothes off under my blankets. I was really surprised. I was even more surprised when I said okay and did what he asked. In this way, our relationship became immoral.

We began to talk explicitly about sexual things on the phone and the Internet. Soon my lustful desires controlled me and I found myself caught up in further sexual immorality such as pornography. Once after I came to California I spent the night at his apartment and although God graciously protected me and I didn't sleep with him, we did things that made me feel very dirty. After this event, I got so upset with myself that I cut off my relationship with him completely. It was the fall of 2000 and I haven't talked to him at all since then.

Part II: STAY IN THIS LAND

Physically I had to move many times because of my family. Also, inwardly, I wandered around the whole world through the Internet. The Internet became a place of exploration for a restless wanderer. Every day I spent many hours in front of my computer and wandered through all kinds of places meeting all kinds of people. Although the Internet was my wandering ground, God was merciful and even used it for good to save my life.

From an early age, God began to develop within me a strong interest in missions. I wanted to go on a mission trip in junior high. But my father had refused to sign the permission slip. So instead, I spent the summer after 8th grade surfing the 'net. One evening as I was doing a random chat search on ICQ, I came across the profile of a young Christian girl in Russia named Olga. I sent her a message thinking how cool it would be to talk to a Christian in Russia. At that time, I thought of Russia like most Nebraskans: a notorious, scary place. I enjoyed talking to her, but I had a hard time understanding her English. Eventually this led me to meet her brother Fyodor Tomilov and his friend Timothy Ha who are Bible teachers in Moscow UBF.

In June of 1999, Sh. Timothy Ha from Moscow invited me to the MSU International Summer Bible Conference. I told him I would think about it, but I was really only trying to be polite. I honestly didn't think my mom would let me fly to an unfamiliar place by myself to spend a week with strangers. However, I contacted Sh. Chris Kelly, the webmaster of the Chicago chapter, to get detailed information. He invited me to come early and stay with him and his family for a couple of days. When I prayed, God provided everything I needed in order to attend the Conference.

I graduated from high school on May 14th, 2000, and prepared to go to a private Christian university in California as an Intercultural Studies major. Knowing I would be in California in the fall, I sent an e-mail to Msn. Billy Park, who is the webmaster of the L.A. UBF website, to ask for Bible study. I began studying the Bible with Sh. Connie Park via the Internet and later when I arrived in California, we studied face-to-face.

After my mom and her new husband dropped me off in California in the fall of 2000 following a 35-hour cross-country drive, I found out that my school loan had been denied and I needed $14,000 in order to stay. Further, I did not even have money to return home. I tried every possible solution to find the money I needed, but at every turn I was hindered from registering for the fall semester. Finally–on the last day of late registration–God granted me $14,000 in financial aid so I could stay in California and attend Biola University.

After getting settled at my school, I was able to have my first one-to-one Bible study with Sh. Connie at McDonalds. I also started attending testimony meetings and worship services. I was really shocked by the run-down appearance of the Long Beach Center, but I loved the warmth of the people. I quickly became involved in many activities such as the Pilgrim's Progress Symposium, drama team, and choir team. During the 2000 Fall Bible Conference preparation, God helped me accept my calling as a shepherdess for college students. After the Conference, I was able to teach the Bible to two sheep.

After a while everything started to feel very burdensome. A spirit of superiority and suspicion arose in my heart and I began to have a condescending attitude toward my shepherdess. I also began to despise the humble appearance of the center and some members. I thought, "UBF is a church of rejects."

In the spring of 2001, I became confused after listening to one brother's testimony and I was unable stay at UBF. Although I continued Bible study with my shepherdess, I suffered a lot. Both of my sheep ran away, I grew incredibly homesick, and I couldn't eat Daily Bread or write testimonies at all. I started attending my roommate's church and recovered so that I was at least able to come to God in prayer and Bible reading during the summer. I also talked to several coworkers in Chicago and Moscow and they helped me overcome my negative attitude toward UBF. Soon it came close to time for the 2001 ISU International Summer Bible Conference. Sh. Chris Kelly invited me to come to Chicago a few days early to help make nametags for the Chicago members and foreign delegates.

Before the Conference, Sh. Chris Kelly and I were accidentally locked out of his house, so we lit citronella candles and used my small, pocket-sized New Testament to study John chapter 3. My heart was stirred by Nicodemus' dialogue with Jesus. I deeply identified with Nicodemus who loved the darkness and was not willing to leave his successful, influential status in life. Many people tell me that I'm smart, beautiful, and talented. And on the outside my life looks pretty clean. Because of this, it is really hard for me to admit my sin problems and let people see the ugliness of my heart. I'd rather stand behind pride and even false humility than openly admit the truth. Like Nicodemus, I did not want to come into the light. At that time, I spent almost every night fantasizing about my future husband instead of meditating on the Word of God. I mentally tried to convince myself that it was not a sin, but in my heart I knew it was. Through this Bible study with Sh. Chris, I admitted my sin problem and repented.

When school started in the fall of 2001, I returned to UBF with a more humble attitude. I realized that the cause of my confusion was not UBF as a whole, nor the L.A. chapter, but my own sin problem. I made a decision of faith to humbly learn from God's servants who are over me. Then I was so surprised to find that fellowship at UBF was sweeter and more beautiful than ever before!

At the beginning of this semester, I planned to lead a short-term missions trip to Russia, but things didn't work out. Right after I made a decision to wait and go to Russia with UBF in God's time, I received several opportunities to go with other organizations for a few weeks or even a month. I felt very confused by this. God spoke to me through John 21:16. In the NASB it says, "He said to him again a second time, 'Simon, son of John, do you love Me?' He said to Him, 'Yes, Lord; You know that I love You.' He said to him, 'Shepherd My sheep.'" After reading this verse, I made a commitment to serve God through the UBF ministry. This was an important decision because I was really struggling with my desire to stay at UBF and my desire to be a missionary in Russia. These two desires seemed incompatible, but through my prayer, I learned that they are actually one and the same. My desire to be a missionary must not interfere with my call to serve college students with the Word of God and likewise, my work as a campus shepherd must not interfere with my prayer for Russia to become a Kingdom of Priests and a Holy Nation.

Attending a private Christian university is very blessed but it is extremely difficult financially. This semester I have become very burdened by the knowledge that I am piling up all kinds of student loans. I don't want my education to get in the way of my service to God by having to work really hard to pay off my debts and not having time to serve God's Word to lost sinners. I've been praying about it and came to the conclusion that I should transfer to a secular school that costs less. I considered many options such as attending Northwestern University in Chicago, going to the University of Nebraska in my hometown, or moving to Massachusetts with my family and attending a school on the East Coast. But through Genesis 26:2-3, I learned that God is calling me to stay in this land.

"The LORD appeared to Isaac and said, 'Do not go down to Egypt; live in the land where I tell you to live. Stay in this land for a while, and I will be with you and will bless you. For to you and your descendants I will give all these lands and will confirm the oath I swore to your father Abraham.'" God's calling for Abraham was to leave his country, his people, and his father's household. But God's calling for Isaac was to stay in the Promised Land.

I moved around a lot in my childhood. I used to hate moving, but after a while I began to enjoy starting over in new places. I wandered through many far-off lands via my international pen pals and the Internet and by reading many adventure stories. I have been ready to move all the time. But I realized that God's calling is not always to leave. Sometimes his calling is to stay. And staying can be more costly than leaving, for it means taking root in one place and taking responsibility. I realized that even in the UBF ministry, I cannot be divided between two chapters, Los Angeles and Chicago. God is the God of order and wherever God leads me to stay, that is the place of my calling.

I realized that now it is time to remain in one place and put down roots so I can grow strong. I pray that by faith I may take root and stay in California and serve God's ministry in Downey UBF for at least 10 years.